I always loved church. I still love church. I'd been brought up in a Pentecostal church from not long after day I was born and attended an Assemblies of God church in my home city. I made my own decision aged 7 to follow Jesus Christ and I was baptised at age 14. I was very involved in church, attending all the meetings, going to youth camps, missions in Europe, North America and Africa and I loved it. The Pentecostal Church was all I knew - it was the faith passed down to me, you could say.
As Fr. Barnabas Powell kind of puts it - I said the prayer and that was it! I had my one way ticket to heaven. For literally decades that was where I was. That decision I made when I was 7 was enough and almost whatever happened, I was going to be fine. I am saved by grace - absolutely - and I went on through life's ups and downs knowing that I'd already done everything I needed to do. I wanted more of God. I ended up getting married at 23, my first child arrived 9 months later, and then I had another two children over the next three years. I remained very involved in church, playing the piano which was something I loved immensely week after week, sometimes preached and often travelled to Africa ministering when the opportunities came up. I loved it.
My 20s were full of life's ups. My 30s were full of life's downs. A separation, a disjointed family, a serious illness which I still suffer with today and seemingly going from one huge crisis to another. They were very hard years. I always kept my faith, I questioned more, but I always kept it.
Some years into my 30s I was still going to church every week, now usually on my own rather than with my wife and children as I was no longer in our family home, although I was with my children a huge amount overall. Life was hard, and I found going to church hard. I mean, really hard.
I'd have good days, and go to church and leave feeling worse than when I went in. Why was this? I was surrounded by charismatic Christians who absolutely 100% mean very well, but my life was falling apart. All the people I knew seemed to be living this life where everything was always great... "The best is yet to come....." (a saying i loathe) - skinny jeans, lights, smoke, loud music.....everything I'd been used to (apart from the skinny jeans, that's not me at all) - and I was beginning to question.
Is this what it's all about? My Christian life was at a slight dead end. I loved God and always did, but my struggles and suffering did not connect with what had been a massive influence of my Christian experience that "I know the plans I have for you....to give you a future and a hope". I didn't know how to suffer. At the least I must have done something so bad that I can't get back in God's will again. Or I'm being attacked by the enemy and nothing can seemingly stop it.
John 16:22 says "You now have sorrow, but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no-one will take your joy away from you."
I realised what I was lacking. I lacked a way of living a fulfilled Christian life, in every aspect of life. Not just when things are going great. But where do I find what I'm looking for? I was taught loads of superficial things, but such little on how to live a Christian life. Orthodoxy is helping me hugely towards that. The joy I experience while searching is immense.